I’m fine, it’s fine…everything’s fine!
A few years ago, Peter and I were driving through a shopping area and spotted an acquaintance crossing the parking lot. We waved and she quickly walked over to our car eager to greet us. Keep in mind, we were stopped in the middle of the parking lot, but knowing this was someone we knew only casually, we assumed it would be a quick conversation. We were dead wrong.
As with the beginning of most conversations, our first question was “how are you?” Now, think for a minute about the usual response to that generic question: “I’m fine, thanks.” But this woman took this question quite literally, and thirty minutes later, the conversation finally wrapped up. She took us on a roller coaster ride of her life – what was going well, what was not going so well, where she’d made mistakes, and where she’d celebrated successes. It went on and on and on. We had asked one question (and only one!), and she had filled her answer with everything necessary to help explain exactly how she was doing. She talked, we listened, and when the conversation ended, she had fully answered what we assumed to be an innocuous question.
I’m not going to say I wasn’t annoyed. I’d spent thirty minutes in the middle of a parking lot (we’d actually turned off our car) listening to this woman give us a dissertation on how she was doing. Didn’t she realize this question was merely a greeting and not meant to be taken literally? The nerve.
But as time has passed, I’ve looked back on that moment with clearer vision and a more relaxed and open mind. And you know what I’ve discovered? Her response to our mere greeting was awe-inspiring. She had answered in such candid detail that when we left, we knew exactly how she was doing. How many times have we asked that question, received the canned response, and walked away knowing no more about who we just greeted than we did seconds before seeing them? How many times have we missed out on opportunities to be a listening ear, to offer gentle reassurance, or to just be present amid someone’s messy life? What if we shifted our expectations on how we believe that question should be answered and actually offered someone the space and grace to talk?
With the pandemic taking up residence all around us, I can think of no better time to ask, listen and be present. We are not fine, and anyone that is responding as such is merely trying to spare us the details of what has been a bumpy, messy, life-changing ride. We are hurting and anxious, grieving and alone. We need the chance to say more than “I’m fine”. We need to know that it’s ok to spend thirty minutes sharing the intimate details of all that we have experienced. We need to know that when we are asked “how are you?” that the person asking is genuinely interested in knowing our answer. We need to know that how we are feeling matters.
So, I challenge each of us to reframe our thinking around this one, simple question. Be the pleasant surprise to someone’s day, the shoulder they are unexpectedly allowed to cry on, or the ear they are so grateful to have listen. We are not “fine”, and we shouldn’t feel obligated to respond as such just because it’s socially correct. We need to ask and listen, celebrate each other’s successes and empathize with one another’s pain. Because how we are doing matters.
