Embracing Differences
I once read a quote from author Elizabeth Stone that said to have a child “is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Their pain is your pain, their joy is your joy. Your heart signs up for an emotional cardio class the minute that child is placed in your arms. Physically and emotionally, you are connected.
Emmett is my energetic, curious, intelligent, talkative, 10-year-old son who challenges me to think harder and to look at life through a lens that is, at times, very blurry to me. He sees the world in a wonderfully unique and special way. He can strike up a conversation with anyone, regardless of age, and enjoys talking about topics ranging from Lego to politics, sports to geography. He loves a good riddle, has an uncanny ability to memorize facts, and is musically inclined. He is beyond my wildest dreams. He is my heart.
But my sweet, unique little boy struggles to find friends. Not so much in the sense that he is an outcast - he gets invited to an occasional play date and birthday party, and kids always greet him with a friendly “hi, Emmett!” It’s more in the sense of their being overwhelmed. He was made to be loud and talkative (you should hear him get out of bed in the morning!). The sheer volume of his voice is enough to put you on pins and needles. The matters he chooses to discuss can be intimidating – he’ll recite all 192 countries in alphabetical order, list all of the presidents and their accomplishments or talk about the latest in politics. He is a BIG personality, which can be overwhelming to a typical 10-year-old kid. He is impatient and anxious, two qualities that make it difficult for him to ask a question…and wait for an answer. He will pepper kids (and adults) with questions but hasn’t yet figured out the body language that says, “I’m uncomfortable” or “you are irritating me”. He walks with a big stick and he pokes the bear, over and over and over. And eventually the bear gets frustrated and responds…or just plays dead.
I get it. There are days I am completely overwhelmed by his incessant talking and questions. I understand the irritation that some kids and parents must feel when he just can’t let go of a topic. It can be exhausting to be around someone who has difficulty turning his brain off, whose curiosity drives him to always want more. But he is my heart, and he is more than just these annoyances. He is beautiful and kind and intelligent. And he is a good friend. I watch him struggle to understand why these feelings aren’t reciprocated. I see the pain on his face when he realizes he isn’t included or invited. Shared emotions…his anguish is also mine to bare.
The world can be an unkind place when we don’t fit perfectly into the round hole that was made for us. Despite verbiage to the contrary, differences are not always embraced. We are ALL unique, perfectly created for the greatness we are meant to achieve. And we were all once children trying hard to fit in…who became adults trying hard to fit in. When we become parents to a child who doesn’t naturally fall into line with the rest of his peers, the importance of finding “your people” feels even more necessary. And, further, it feels imperative to teach our kids to not only be accepting of other’s differences, but how to be a friend to those that are the outliers, to see them for who they are trying so hard to be.
Emmett will someday find “his people” and they will embrace all that is good and pure and special about who he is. He will feel understood and heard, supported in his talents, and challenged in his views. Does he have some work to do on his end? Absolutely. A dear friend recently said to me “but this can all be taught to him”. He can learn to recognize social cues, to be patient when awaiting an answer, and to adapt, as needed, to a variety of situations. He can learn how to cope with his anxiety and to transform that worry into something motivating and useful. And while he’s learning and growing, we will continue to love him just the way he is. He’ll never fit inside the proverbial round hole, nor should he. Our differences should be celebrated as much as our similarities. We need to do better…for all the Emmetts in the world.
