My “Duh” Moment
I had a “duh” moment this week. I’m not talking about the response I generally get from my 11-year-old (“duh, mom!”) or the “a-ha” moment that Oprah touts. No, this was truly a “duh…this is the most obvious thing ever” moment. These are those little reminders - or slaps-in-the-face - to pay attention and tune into where I am in this world vs where I think I am in this world. So let me explain.
My work offers a once a month social event, open to all community members, where we focus on mental health, especially as it relates to the pandemic. Therapists and mental health workers lead us in discussions about helping our kids and understanding the role we, as parents, play to ensure they have a healthy way to express their big feelings. This past week focused on the importance of self-care, an area I know I could dedicate more time to. Bubble baths, meditation, reading, exercise…you name it, if it makes us feel good, we should be doing more of it. That being said, this blog definitely qualifies, so maybe I’m not doing as poorly as I initially thought…
So far, I’m guessing nothing that I’ve said has been earth-shattering (it wasn’t for me, either). It’s the ole’ “put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on anyone else” reminder. My “duh” moment came in the middle of this discussion, when one of the therapists simply said “you have to start where you are.” That’s it. It really was that simple and boring and well…duh. But for some reason, on that particular day, in that particular moment, those words resonated and echoed in my mind for days to follow. I needed to hear them, I needed to sit with them, and I needed to understand why they were so impactful. And then it hit me: I’m not living in the “where you are,” I’m living in the “where I’ll be.”
I’m not one that needs to know the end of the story. I don’t read ahead to the end of the book or fast forward through a movie to know what to expect. I also don’t live each day hoping and wishing for the next - I don’t have the need to get there any faster! But this philosophy doesn’t apply to my own personal goal-setting. I can’t reach my goals fast enough and it’s not because I’m killing it in my execution. It’s because it literally DOESN’T. HAPPEN. FAST. ENOUGH. Like my expectations and the reality are so far apart they might as well be living on separate planets. Case in point, I want to implement a new exercise program. I set up a plan, even add it to my calendar so I know I will commit, finish my first day, return home to assess how much I’ve changed, notice that very little change has occurred, quit the new exercise program. Wash, rinse, repeat. And the reason for this absurdity, you ask? Because in my own beautiful mind, I’m already ten steps ahead of where I should be, envisioning what’s to come and enduring extreme disappointment when I realize I have so far to go. Where I am and where I want to be are like two magnets repelling each other, so the gap gets farther and farther apart. Success is unreachable. But you know what I always achieve? Disappointment, failure, heart-break. Those feelings are guaranteed.
Which leads me back to this “duh” moment. I have to make the conscious choice every time I set up a new goal to acknowledge exactly where I am, to notice where my feet are firmly planted, and the direction I’m facing. And only from that starting point, can I take baby steps towards the finish line. Instead of looking forward, I need to teach myself to look back, acknowledging how far I’ve come, rather than how far I have to go. This all seems so simple, so elementary, but I’m fairly confident that we all have areas of our lives where we skip to the end of the chapter, and are sorely disappointed in the ending. I hope you’ll pause, take a breath with me, and start again. Wherever you are.
