Learning to Crochet
It’s been a hot minute since my last post. In fact, it’s been three seasons since I last put pencil to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be). I could chalk it up to my busy, messy, crazy, chaotic life. I could also chalk it up to laziness and lack of motivation. My guess is it falls somewhere between those two columns.
Last year was spent with one kid doing in-person school and one kid in virtual school, a husband working from home, a new puppy over the summer, and me attempting to keep my sanity together. The space that I had tried so hard to carve out for myself had become smaller and smaller. Once summer landed and both kids were home, along with a very rambunctious puppy, and a husband still working in the basement, that space became nearly non-existent. Like, the size of a Cheerio. And my sanity? Well, no amount of deep breathing was going to bring that back. Any peaceful thoughts I had were accompanied by my husband’s drum solo in the basement and my boys’ wrestling/yelling/stomping/slamming in the living room. PURE. CHAOS.
So fast forward to the start of the school year, when, for the first time in over a year, I was in my house BY MYSELF (still with the rambunctious puppy, but beggars can’t be choosers). The silence, calmness, stillness, lack of smells/bodily noises, was AMAZING. It was like being wrapped in a big, cuddly, ultrasoft blanket, and I was here for all of it. But you know what else it was? Foreign. Suddenly, my schedule had completely opened, and time was FINALLY my friend. I could catch up on all the shows I never got to watch, eat when I wanted to, run errands without whining boys in tow, stare up at the ceiling and think about nothing…NOTHING! The world was once again mine…and I had no clue what to do with it or how I fit into it. It was like trying on a new pair of jeans I’d been anxiously awaiting, only to find out they’re too tight. Such a letdown and a blow to my self-esteem.
So, these last many months have consisted of me attempting to figure out who I am outside of the madness of these last few years. And you know what it’s led to? A whole lotta NOTHING. That’s where Column B comes into play – laziness and lack of motivation. There are days where it all just seems too overwhelming to figure out, and so I don’t. And then days and months go by, and I’m still spinning my wheels (and obviously needing new tires). But you know what I’ve finally figured out? That in regaining my little bit of space, I’ve also allowed myself grace to do what I need to do, when I need to do it. I’m finally able to look back, crochet together these last several years, stitching together an array of colors and textures, and create a beautiful afghan even my Granny would be envious of. It’s not perfect, some of the edges have unraveled and the stitches aren’t always strong enough to connect to the next. But, it’s beautiful and it’s MINE. And I get to keep adding as many lines, colors, and textures as my story tells. It’s the blanket I now choose to wrap myself in, regain my sense of calm, take a deep breath, and begin again. I guess that was my mission all along.
